Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sucker Punched

Most of the time, when your life changes, you can't look at one particular moment and say "my life will never be the same after this". You may be able to look back at some point and say that your life changed at that point and you wish you had been able to appreciate it, but you didn't know it at that time. Oh, there are the big things like birth and death that you know will change you, but there are most often subtle things that change our lives that we never realize are "that big moment" until much later.

Then there are the things that slap you up side your face while they kick you in the stomach like a two ton mule. The things that you know have changed your life. They have changed you. Like when your first love breaks up with you, and you know that you'll never trust in exactly the same way again because you aren't as innocent anymore.

Something like that happened to me yesterday. I'm still in shock from it. I don't know how to move on. I don't know when I'll get past it. I don't know if I'll get past it. I don't know how to trust again. It's just too soon to forgive and I'll never be able to forget. I lost a friend yesterday. Another friendship may be lost forever also. That is what I'm trying to figure out. Can I forgive and live with it? Can I go on with this friend as a big part of my life? It's just too soon to tell.

There is a part of me that wants to hate both of these friends for what they did to me. I want to share the information with their families and with facebook. I can be vindictive, after all. But the fact of the matter is that I can't do that to them because I actually love them. I don't want to hurt them like they hurt me. So, in order to save myself, I've cut one of the friends from my life and I'm trying to decide what to do about the other one. Lord help me.

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