Wednesday, September 29, 2010

What I Want

Here are just a few of the things I want.

What I want for my son:
1. Happiness
2. When you get out of the military, I want you to find a profession that you love and enjoy and I want you to do it.
3. True, last forever, soul mate love
4. continue your education

What I want for my granddaughters:
1. I want you to make your own money in a profession you love
2. I want you to support yourself and live on your own for at least one year before you marry
3. Happiness
4. True, last forever, soul mate love
5. a college or university education

What I want for my grandson:
1. I want you to find a profession you love and be able to make a living at it
2. Happiness
3. True, last forever, soul mate love
4. a college or university education
5. I want you to also live on your own for a year before marrying
6. I want you to be all that you can be

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Kid's Birthday Parties

I'm going to warn you right off the bat, this is a sad story. 

My grandchildren are 9, 8 and 6 as I write this and other than their first birthday, the only one who has ever had a birthday party is the middle one.  And I believe that it was a bit of a fluke. 

Her birthday is in July, when there is no school in progress.  So, in 2009 her family came to TX to visit from CA during the last of July and she got to have a birthday party (after her actual birthday) with all of her TX cousins and family here.  I don't think there were any party games, but there were so many people and gifts that it was quite an occasion for her. 

After they returned home, life as normal returned.  That means that their momma was sick when her younger brother's birthday came up in October and her older sister's birthday came up in January.  Neither of them had parties.  Not real parties.  And to be honest, they didn't always get to have a special "day" on their actual birthday either.  To this point, their birthday was often even "put off" until momma felt better and could make a family party of some sort.  I think there were times, when it never happened at all and other times when it was put off for as long as a month.  Momma wouldn't allow for a "party" without her doing it, you see.  The whole time, I fumed.  In my opinion, there isn't much more important than making a child feel special on their birthday.

In March, their momma passed away suddenly.  One of the things I thought of was that if they were able to move closer to TX, I would do my level best to make sure they each had a birthday party of some sort.  The Air Force did move them closer to family and they are in OK instead of CA now.  I was there in July and the girls helped me make the cake for middle grandchild.  We celebrated together before her party, which was held at a park in 100+ degree weather.  I did not attend the party itself because of the location and temperature, but I know that all 5 children in attendance had fun.  And the parents in attendance survived.

My grandson, will be 7 on Sunday.  I am still sick and hoping I will be able to drive up to Oklahoma  on Thursday.  My grandson is autistic.  I believe with Asperger's Syndrome.  I don't know that the parties are as important to him as they are to his sisters, but I do know that he loves to feel special, just as any child does.  When I lived with them (for three months), after their momma died, his favorite letter was the letter X, so I plan to use X in anything I can for his birthday.  I plan to buy him a cape -- middle grandchild recommended it and she's right, he'd love it.  I plan to get all the kids glow in the dark vampire teeth.  If there are guests at the party, there will be goodie bags.  I plan to have games.  I want my grandson to have fun and I want my granddaughters to know what a party at home can be.   I wanted to do this for my middle grandchild, but she opted for the park.  I will take lots of photos and I will keep my fingers crossed until I'm able to go.  These children deserve some "HAPPY".  They deserve a life time of "HAPPY".  They are way behind on their quota too.  I may even try to make a crown. 

If you have any ideas....please leave them in the comments section.  I am open to anything.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The First Cool Weather of Fall

I went out this evening to start a load of wash and I felt it.  The first cool temperatures of fall!  I love that first time when I feel the first cooler weather after summer.  Especially after a summer like we've had.  A long summer with the temperatures being higher than normal for longer than normal.  It is such a relief.  Such a blessing.  I can't wait to open doors wide and open windows and air out the house.  I can't wait to see the leaves falling from the trees.  I can't wait to see the beautiful blue that the sky turns this time of year.  I love spring for the wild flowers and new life it brings each year, but I love fall as much, if not more.  I love the color of my Japanese persimmons as they ripen.  I love the few leaves that change color around here -- even the poison ivy which turns a lovely red!  I love that this year I'll be able to see my grandchildren in their Halloween costumes.  I love that so many birthdays are coming up.  Birthdays of people who are near and dear to me.  I love the Thanksgiving holiday, even more than Christmas.  I love that even though I myself may be in the autumn of my life, I am ever more mindful of all I have to be thankful for.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

MY Texas Rangers won the A.L. West!

We're going to the play offs baby!  For the first time in 11 years, the Texas Rangers have won the American League western division and secured their spot in the play offs!  I am one happy gal in Texas. 


When I hear the word           "clean" nowadays I go into a kind of panic.  I can't say that I've ever been a great house keeper.  I don't enjoy house work.  (Which is rather sad since I've been a "house wife" for the majority of my marriage.)  Although I really do enjoy a clean house.  The activities of making a clean house are irritating to me -- nothing seems to stay clean for even a little while.  House cleaning is frustration in all capital letters to me and lots of exclamation points and jumping up and down while shaking my fists and screaming a primal scream!  It -- seems -- so-- pointless.  But if you don't do it, you end up with what I have now and baby -- that is not pretty -- or fun -- or relaxing.  I hate being embarrassed to have anyone over.  I know you think I'm exaggerating about this, but my cousin Mike told me that he would like to come visit me and I put him off.  I did.  I've put him off twice now.  I even told him why, but I'm sure he doesn't believe me.   

I kept a pretty clean house while my son was at home and while my dad was alive, but when dad died, I went into a depression.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted from caring for him, but I still don't think his death caused the depression.  I think it triggered it.  Rest alone didn't help.   I just stopped doing anything.  Period.  After a while, I knew I needed help.  And I asked for it.  I was put on medication and I am still on it -- 15 years later.  My doctor thinks I will always be on anti-depressants.  We'll see.  I'm hopeful that I will not have to be.  In fact, I have cut down on them in the last year or so and that is even with all that has gone on in my life in the last year. 

I want my home to be the kind of clean again that makes me think of new copper pennies.  I actually want it to be that kind of clean before Thanksgiving of this year.  I want to have all of my family here for Thanksgiving this year.  The last year they were all here was the last Thanksgiving that my dad was alive.  I don't know that anything will beat that special day for me, but I'd like to celebrate my son and grandchildren being here this year and living close to Texas.  I'd like to celebrate the lives of the women we lost this year.  I'd like to feel the love in my own home.  It's been so very long.

To be able to have what I want this year, I have to clean and I have to clean a lot.  I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I have a lot of reasons that I may not be able to accomplish this in the time frame I've set, or maybe they are excuses, but the thing is that I want this weight lifted off of me and I need it lifted off of me.  I need to start.

*These photos represent the cleaner parts of my home at the moment. 

Friday, September 24, 2010

Poetry can be a Comfort

This poem was sent to me by my sweet cousin Sundey.  A friend of hers had suffered a loss and put this poem on facebook.  She wanted to be sure I saw it because of my recent losses.  I think I'll make a copy to take to my granddaughters too.  Thank you Sundey.  I'm sorry for your friend's loss. 

Death is Nothing at All

by Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918) Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral sometimes referred to as 'What is Death?'

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other,

that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.

Speak to me in the easy way

which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed

at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word

that it always was.

Let it be spoken without affect,

without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same that it ever was.

There is absolutely unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind

because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,

for an interval,

somewhere very near,

just around the corner.

All is well.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

My *Gift of Jewels* package has Arrived!

First of all, I must thank Se'Lah over at Necessary Room for hosting this wonderful inter-national love exchange again this year.  I had so much fun shopping for my own gift of jewels to send off.  That experience alone was almost enough.  Almost.  I knew I had something on the way to me too, you see.  So, I waited patiently.  There was no telling where it was coming from with 70 of us from 12 different countries participating.  This exchange of friendship and love was a celebration of the Ethiopian New Year on September 11 and that was the day scheduled for us to mail out our *Gifts of Jewels*.  One reason I joined this exchange was to have something positive to focus on on that particular day.  A day that can be so very sad here in the United States of America for so many.

After last year's gift to me, I felt that I had to send out a better gift this year.  Tracey sent me a wonderful gift last year and she and I have become friends, which is the best gift of all!  I'm hoping this year will follow in the same vain.  I think I did improve on the gift that I sent out this year over last year, but I think I'm still going to have to up my game for next year! 

Today, I received mine in the mail!  Oh my what a wonderful, thoughtful, generous, loving gift it is!  Anyes of the blog Far Away in the Sunshine made a beautiful thank you card for me (can you believe it?  she thanked me for participating!   so sweet!) and sent me three absolutely amazing rocks with encouraging words carved (or etched?) into them.   Peace, Joy and Courage are on stones that are weighty and feel substantial in your hand.  You know they will last through years of holding and rubbing and praying for what they state on their front sides.  Peace is the one I'm most drawn to at this moment.  I will keep it nearest to me as I pray for peace tonight.  I will keep the others near because they are just beautiful and I know I will soon be praying for joy or courage and because I really do love them. 

Anyes also enclosed a pamphlet for Ten Thousand Villages (fair trade since 1946!).  I believe this is where she purchased the stones for me.  So, in my opinion she not only gifted me, but also the artisan that etched the stones.  I plan to go to the website and possibly purchase my holiday gifts there this year.  I don't buy many any longer and I really love it when they can do some good. 

Thank you so very much Anyes and Se'Lah.  You have both made my week!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Little Granddaughter Update

I talked to my momma earlier.  She was concerned about her great-granddaughter after reading my blog.  I thought I had updated to let you know the latest, but I apparently have not.  So, just to let you know, in case you are worried too -- she's doing OK for now.  I've talked to her several times over the last several days.  The last three calls have had no lies or tears.  Not even little white lies or sniffles.  She's sounded rather upbeat.  I am glad.  I need a rest.  I'm tired.  Emotionally tired and I think I have a sinus infection, so I'm not up to much at the moment.  I'll be headed up there to OK to see them all next  Thursday, more than likely.  Hopefully, things will remain calm until then. 

Postcrossing Love

I got two postcrossing postcards in the mail today! 

My very first from China.  Sometimes the English translations are not quite "proper", but I find them endearing and often more loving and perfect than what it should have been.  For instance, his salutation is "Warmly greetings from China."  I absolutely love that!  So much more than just "warm greetings".  To me it is just beautiful.  If it had not been for that small mistake in grammar, I would have thought this postcard came from a person living in China who's first language was indeed English because the rest was written so very perfectly!  The photo on the card is of the Taihao Mausoleum at Huaiyang. 

The next came from Ohio.  She sent a postcard of Niagara Falls.  This is my second Niagara Falls postcard and they are starting to make me want to go there.   

Paws for Charity Calendar -- Darling!

I find my way to blogs and don't even remember how I got there because I started at one blog and was linked to another and another and another through blog postings.  I find a lot of wonderful blogs that way.  I just never remember who to thank for getting me there.  Today's find is Paws for Charity and they have a wonderful calendar this year, their first (!) that will be benefiting The Avon Foundation Breast Cancer Crusade.  When I get my calendar, which I do plan to do, I'll be sure to post about it.  Right now, I better get off of this computer and head to the post office.  I haven't been all week and I just know that I have some fun stuff waiting for me. 

*In the middle of writing this, I did remember how I came to the calendar posting -- I found it through Alice in Paris loves Art and Tea.  This is a blog I read often and really enjoy. 

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I was over at Ree's Place

Ree's blog is The Pioneer Woman and there are several parts to her blog.  Today I started with Home and Garden.  She was talking about her clothes in her closet.  I felt the need to leave a comment.  This is what I said:

"You would hate my closet Ree! I basically wear t-shirts. Almost all of my t-shirts have some kind of quilt related writing on them. If I’m going somewhere that I need to be somewhat dressy, I wear a t-shirt without writing on it. To me, that’s dressed up. Although I do know that even my normal dress up clothes aren’t dressy enough for funerals and jury duty. I have a few pairs of slacks and regular blouses for that kind of thing, but I can’t tell you what they look like to save my soul. Thankfully, it’s been a few months since I’ve been to a funeral or on a jury."

I kid you not, to me being dressed up is indeed wearing a t-shirt without words on it!  I like it that way.  I don't wear make up often either and when I do, it's only mascara and a little lip something or other.  I do not wear perfumes at all, ever.  Period.  End of story.  I stopped all of that when I moved out to the country because I found that the make up caked up and ended up in a pool under my eyes.  I'd go to the grocery store and post office, then come home and discover that I looked like a rabid raccoon!  The perfumes just attracted bees and wasps and I did not want to get stung.  I later found out that I was quite allergic to perfumes of all kinds.  They give me migraines.  So, the country life has simplified my life and my clothes and makeup budget.  Basically, there isn't one. 

One Day at a Time

It's entirely possibly that I'm paranoid.  Or maybe I just borrow trouble.  I read up on kids and bi-polar disorder last night.  Absolutely every "symptom" that my granddaughter is having could very easily be attributed to her grief or to puberty.  That is, all except for her recent lying, which is not listed as a symptom and could just be a way to get attention in all that has happened in her life.  The child has been through hell and is still on the journey back. 

You see it was the whopper of a lie she told me as she cried the other night on the phone that set all of my "bi-polar" bells and whistles off because it reminded me so much of her mother's actions and her mother was bi-polar.  I still have a lot to learn, it seems.  Anyway, my granddaughter has no idea what damage a lie of that magnitude could do.  In this day and age, it is absolutely frightening.  (I did try to explain it to her last night, but I'm sure she doesn't get it.  I'll try again when I see her in person.)

So, I will continue to pray. I will continue to talk on the phone and listen to her cry. I will visit often. I will try not to borrow trouble. I will trust in the therapist, when all falls into place and she gets one again. (It takes time to get appointments in the military, it can be very frustrating.) I will not compare her to her mother. That will be tough, especially if the lying continues.  I will not jump to conclusions and I will learn more about bi-polar disorder. 

* I do know that there are millions of people with bi-polar disorder who lead perfectly normal lives and function well in society.  This has not been what I have personally seen in my own family with this disorder and I am not speaking of your situation ever when I speak of it here.  I wish we had been that fortunate. 

Monday, September 20, 2010

I've Been Told....

That "the Lord will not give us more than we can handle".  This may be a simplified way of phrasing it, but that statement has helped me in times of duress.  Other times, I've tested the limits of it.  I was given almost more than I could bear when my father died and I then went into a deep depression.  I think his death triggered the depression, I don't think it was the reason for it.  I was in it for a long, long time.  My house has not been clean since. 

Now, I fear, that our family may have been given something that will sorely test that age old belief.  I fear that my dear, precious granddaughter -- the one I have been so very worried about during her grief over the loss of her mother and the same one who is entering puberty -- is also showing signs of bi-polar disorder.  Her mother was (or would the correct word be - had?) bi-polar and it was never treated correctly.  I feel that it ultimately led to her death.   If the reason for the most recent actions of my sweet granddaughter are indeed the first signs of bi-polar disorder, I don't know if I'll be able to handle this.  I really don't know that I will.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

New Post Cards, a Book, a Heart Rock and a new Project

I found another heart rock in my walk way yesterday on my way to the car to go to Dallas to sew with my mini group friends.  I picked it up, scraped off the mud (we've had a little rain lately) and dropped it in my basket to take with me.  I remembered to show it to only one friend while there, Andrea.  I photographed it on one of the postcards -- it's in the last photo.  I saw this heart shaped cloud while driving home from Dallas and sewing.

While there, I started a new project.  I've been wanting to make a "grief" quilt for some months now.  I asked if anyone could remember the stages of grief and Shelley and Andrea both got online and found them for me.  Andrea's website had 7 stages: 1. denial/shock, 2. pain/guilt, 3. anger/bargaining, 4. depression/loneliness/reflection, 5. upward turn, 6. reconstruction/working through, 7. acceptance/hope.  Shelley printed out the 5 stages that I am more familiar with: 1. denial, 2. anger/resentment, 3. bargaining, 4. depression, 5 acceptance.

I decided to go with the 5 stages that Shelley found and possibly throw in a little of Andrea's findings also because I didn't want the fabrics to be too think to sew.  I found fabrics to represent the different stages of grief for me.  For "denial" I used the orange and grey originally, but that wasn't really enough.  I later added the purples they are on the top of the quilt, thanks to Maxine and Kari for suggesting it needed diagonal movement and purple.  Everything on top of the red, represents "denial and shock".  Red represents "anger", the next fabric is a blue with red and blue freckles (or dots) which represents bargaining, then the black is for "depression" and finally the yellow peeking through is for "hope and acceptance".  I'm not there yet, but I'm hopeful that I will be one day.

As you can see the top fabrics are ripped and woven through each other.  They are very confusing, just like the feelings in the beginnings of grief.  The denial and the shock are so confusing, my very fiber feels ripped apart at times.  I had not trimmed the quilt to the point that it's at in this photo when I had taken it over to a part of the quilt shop that has all the thread.  I was looking for black and grey and maybe a dark purple.  An older woman saw my quilt at that point and said "oh what a mess!".   I turned to her and thanked her.  I told her it that it represents grief.  She said "Grace?"  "No," I said "grief.".  She said "Greece?"  "No, grief as in someone has died and I am grieving for them".  At which point she just looked at me with disdain and confusion and her friend dragged her away.  She just could not comprehend a quilt that was not of a traditional making/pattern/design.  That's OK.  Someday she may feel like ripping fabric and remember my "mess" and give herself permission.   

I've already stitched a broken heart into the quilt.  I plan to stitch tears into it at some point, but other than that, I'll just stitch and see what happens.  I don't know if it will be donated to the Quilter's Guild of Dallas' live mini auction in March or if I'll put it in the show.  Right now, the only thing I know for sure about it is that is not messy enough. 

My momma sent me a book that I got in yesterday's mail.  It's Making Toast by Roger Rosenblatt.  She said in her letter to me "It is amazing how it applied to both of our lives this terrible year."  She also said she felt that she was guided to the yard sale that had it.  I agree.  I loved every word of this book.  I read it very quickly and I plan to reread it again soon.  Then I may return it to momma and buy another one for myself, so that we can both have a copy.  It just feels like we'll need it.  I don't know. 

I've got some postcrossing postcards to share with you too.  The first is from Louisiana and is of the Superdome.  I didn't know the facts that are listed on the front of the card.  Fun.  Click on the photo if you want to read them yourself. 

The next one is from Spain and shows the Ebro River. 

Then I got a surprise card from a young woman that I had sent a card to in the past.  She didn't need to send me a card in response or as a thank you, but she did.  Very sweet.  It shows a fountain in St. Petersburg, Russia. 

The last one I have to show you today actually came in an envelope!  Also from Russia.  It shows a lovely hotel and speaks of hot air balloon rides!  That would be so nice.  Isn't the envelope pretty?  I love the stamps too. 

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Quilting with Friends

Today, my mini group met and I didn't take one photo.  I can't even believe it.  Especially since this was Kari's last time with us.  She is moving to Seattle on Oct. 2nd.  I'm going to miss her.  I'll think of her often though.  I know I will.  I hope to stay in touch via email and blogs.   And of course whenever the Rangers play the Red Sox, I'll be rooting against her.  I mean I'll be thinking about her while I root for the Rangers.  Safe travels Kari.  I hope you will be very happy in your next home. 

I'll fill you in on the rest of today, tomorrow.  I'm tuckered out now. 

Friday, September 17, 2010

One for the Money

That subject title may sound familiar to you.  That is, if you are a Janet Evanovich reader.  One for the Money is the first book in the Stephanie Plum series and it's being made into a movie as I write this.  I, for one, am thrilled!  I love this book series!  It's fun and sexy and more fun.  It is not a heavy read.  It's more like popcorn and every once in a while, we all need a little popcorn in our days and lives. 

The cast is something I'm a little worried about, but just in places.  Stephanie will be played by Katherine Heigl and I think she'll be able to convey Stephanie as I see her.  Sherri Shepherd is Lula.  Sherri will be a great Lula, although I always pictured Lula quite a bit heavier than Sherri.  That's not a real problem, they can just put smaller clothes on her.  This is the one that I'm worried about -- Jason O'Mara as Morelli.  Now, I think Jason is a hunk and I've always enjoyed watching him in whatever show he's in, even if I didn't like the show.  I just think of Morreli as very Italian and Jason as Irish.  Both are sexy, but I don't know that they are interchangeable.  Maybe some brown contacts would help.  Daniel Sunjata is playing Ranger.  I had to google Daniel because I didn't know the name, but when I saw the photo, I did remember him.  He's on the TV series Rescue Me and he is indeed a gorgeous hunk of man.  But I'll be honest here, I don't think there is a man alive who can fulfill my image of Ranger.  So, I can only hope that through the whole movie I'm not thinking "rescue me" when I'm watching "Ranger" on the big screen.  John Leguizamo is Jimmy Alpha and Patrick Fischler is Vinnie.  I wish they had listed who would be playing Grandma Mazur.  I can't wait to see her on the big screen.  I hope they don't cut her out of the movie.  That would be a crime.  And Connie.  Who is playing Connie?

Anyway, the day it comes out, I plan to be in the theater.  I plan to enjoy every minute and then call up my friends and compare notes.   For updates on the movie, check out Evanovich's website.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


My momma called me a little while ago and told me that my little town had been on her local news.  She lives outside of Houston and I live 70 miles, give or take, south east of Dallas, so this was indeed news to me.  She went on to explain that "they" were filming in our area.  Filming?  In my little town?  Are you kidding me?  What in the world is there to film in this little place?  So, she told me just a little about a new TV show that will be starting soon called "Chase" that is filming all over Texas and has been in my area filming.  Whoa!  As it said on her news report, that's "the biggest thing to happen around here since the local school went to state with its 6 man football team" several years back!  She said some of the local kids were going to be on the show.  Pretty cool!

So, I googled.  Chase is a new series that starts September 20th (next Tuesday) on NBC.  It will air at 9 PM central time.  I have no idea if I'll like it or not, but I do like police shows, so there's a good chance I will.  I've already set it up on my DVR to record all the new episodes.  After all, I have to watch until the little town in which I live near (and get my mail) shows up! 

*I don't actually live in the city limits.  This is a rural area and I'm just a bit outside the city limits, but I do get my mail there and my water is from there.  It's the closest I have to a town at this point. 

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Leaf Cousin

My oldest granddaughter has loved trees since she was a tiny little thing.  She used to pat them lovingly when she was outside and just starting to walk.  If she was not free to roam and being carried or in a stroller, she said "tree" and stretched her arms out toward it as if she needed to be near just to breathe.  She was not happy if you did not take her to the tree, but if you did, she smiled and literally seemed to take a deep breath and she looked calmer.  It always amazed and tickled me.  And I, for one, always took her to the tree when I was with her, which I will admit was not often since they lived in Italy at the time and I was in Texas. 

Her affection for trees isn't as obvious now.  After all, she is nine years old and what self respecting nine year old girl is going to pat a tree in front of others?  But she can't fool me.  I know that she still loves trees!  She mourns not having one large enough to climb at her new house.  She always climbs one at my house and she brings me leaf faces just about every time I see her from whatever kind of branched thing is growing leaves at the time.  They always pretty much look the same, although she is artistic and I fully expect to start seeing variations at any time.  This last leaf face jogged my memory of one I had seen on another blog -- check out Keri Smith.  I think they may be cousins, although I think Keri's Ralph looks to be an older, wiser cousin.  Alas, #1's leaf has no name.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I Am Enough

Over the last several years, I've heard many times that we teach people how to treat us.  I don't think I totally believe this.  Yes, if I accept crappy treatment from someone and they treat me crappy again, I guess you could say that I've taught them that treating me crappy is fine with me.  I know that eventually, I will get tired of being treated crappy though and I will change things.  I will either stand up for myself and tell them that I will no longer accept their crappy treatment of me or I will take myself out of that situation. 

The problem I have with the statement that we "teach people how to treat us" is no child teaches someone to take advantage of them or abuse them, yet so many of us have this happen to us as children.  Maybe this abusive treatment is supposedly what teaches us to accept the crappy treatment of others.  I don't know.  I'll need a lot more therapy before I have it all figured out and I don't know that I have that much money, time or even interest in knowing at this point in my life. 

One thing I know for sure is that I did not teach my long time friend to betray me.  I was a faithful, true friend to her, so her treatment of me was a total shock.  It's been just over a year since I found out about her betrayal and for some reason, the wound to my heart is sore this week.  I've been thinking about it a lot.  I've learned many things from this.  I've learned that I will not accept this treatment of me again, by anyone.  I'm a little less likely to trust as completely as I did before, although it hasn't affected the trust and love I have for my two best friends, my closest friends.  And the most important thing I've learned from this treatment is that I Am Enough.  If I'm not enough for you.  That's fine.  We can smile and part company and treat each other with kindness.  I - AM - ENOUGH!  And don't you ever forget it.  I sure as hell won't.

*Did you notice the heart shaped cloud in the photo?  I heard a noise on my deck, went outside and could find nothing but the cloud.  Maybe an angel making sure I didn't miss it?

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Mail has been Fun

First there were some postcards from my Postcrossing friends across the globe.  The first one (above) arrived while I was still in Oklahoma.  It's from Michigan.  The second came today from Poland.  

Saturday is when my wonderful, beautiful feather touchstone arrived!  This is where I went to buy the feather touchstone.  Julie has a wonderful blog -- Moments of Perfect Clarity and an etsy shop with lots great photos for sale (at this time).   I first heard of Julie and all of her wonderful artistic talents through the *gift of jewels* exchange on Se'Lah's blog Necessary Room.  So many talented, giving people pass through there.  Be sure to notice her wonderful ( postcard and moo mini cards too!

Monday brought more fun with "Rock My World" love!  What can I say, Kim is a fast favorite of mine and a very talented artist.  Also discovered on the Necessary Room blog.  Check out her blog Queen of Arts to find her etsy shops, rocks and cards.  Talent abounds!  This photo is really pretty horrible.  The colors are much more vibrant than they show here. 

Last, but not least, was a treasure of my own making that I had ordered for a dear friend and for myself.  Catherine got hers late last week.  I was going nuts waiting on mine.  But it's here and now I'm going to read it and then save it for my grandchildren.  The Blog - part one is the first several months of this blog in book form.  Catherine doesn't have a computer at home and had trouble keeping up with the blog at first.  Actually she still misses quite a bit of my postings now, especially when I get going and post three times in one day, but she does the best she can.  She's such a close friend, that I actually think of her as my heart-sister.  For the most part, I've been very blessed in the sister, sister-in-law, friend department.  Very blessed.

Musings from my Tan Moleskin Journal notes

I was looking at other blogs earlier and came across a book title that I wanted to write down. So I grabbed my handy little moleskin journal, that I carry in my purse. This is where I keep such information. The journal itself is beginning to have a nice feel to it. Kind of roughed up from being jostled around in my purse for so long. It feels a little like a cross between an old paper bag and a little like it's alive. That may make no sense whatsoever to you, but it does to me and my odd warped imagination.

I started flipping through the pages to find a place to jot down the name of the book and the author, when I noticed lots of things in the journal that were completed. So, I scratched them off as I came to them, somehow thinking this would show me how much room I actually have left in this little book.

Then I came across notes I'd made while visiting my sister last September or October. Those were the last visits I had with her and they were good times with her. I was going through hell and she was so very supportive. We had some good laughs. She told me funny stories that I had intended to blog about and never got around to.

Like the time she was watching her husband's little brother David for the day and she was going crazy not knowing what to do with him. So, she ended up taking him to McDonald's 3 times in an 8 hour period! He's about the same age as my son and I thought back to the time when they were about 7 or 8 and just thought that was hilarious! Poor Teresa. That had to be a tough day.

Then she told me that she had this cat once, I want to say its name was Alley, that lived in their garage. If I remember correctly, they couldn't get that cat to come into the house. It was a neighborhood stray they adopted, I believe. Teresa once ran over Alley twice in one day while she was coming and going! Alley lived many more years, but I think that was a very painful day for both of them.

I had written down "for Teresa -- Thou Shall Not Be a Smart Ass!". I must have planned to make her an wall quilt with that on it. She would have loved that. And I had this quote written and attributed to her "Even though I'm taking my ADD medication, I'm here, there and everywhere!". A more true statement was never said. Teresa was always all over the place. I sure do miss her.

Last, but not least, I found this prayer that I had written down. As I said, I was going through a very painful period in my life. For a person, such as myself who has the unfortunate habit of eating her emotions, this prayer could be fitting for any bad day.

"Dear Lord, help my poor bruised soul find peace. There are only so many chips I can eat before I explode. Love, Me"

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Continued from Below (P.M.)

It took me just a few minutes to find the song I was talking about in the posting Pure Misery. I found it on youtube, so you can hear it too. It's What the World Needs Now (Abraham, Martin and John) by Tom Clay. The first one just shows the 45 single record (which is what I had and listened to way back then) and has a very clear recording of the song. The second version shows video that matches the song. The recording and video don't always match up when the people talk, but it's not a big deal. I found the second recording first and watched it. I found it interesting, but it made me sad to see it all in color again. My imagination is bad enough. Living color is worse, especially when President Kennedy was shot. But I wanted to give you the option of which to see and listen to. I have no doubt that if youtube had been around when this was first put out, I would have listened to and watched the second one and cried to it, often.

A little update on my granddaughter #1. I went up to Oklahoma for about 5 days. While I was there, she had no nightmares that I'm aware of. We got her a couple of bras (new to her), although I don't know if they would really be called "training" bras like they were when I was a little girl. Her sister had to get some too, although she didn't really need one yet.

We all went shopping for a gift for their daddy's birthday. The girls each paid a little on it themselves. I paid some for their little brother (who didn't have any money of his own). After spending some of the money, #1 decided that she wanted to keep the remainder of her money. She had been trying to give it away to her daddy and to me. Which had us quite worried. It is just not normal for a 9 year old child to say she doesn't want her money. So, now she has plans for it. Which relieves my mind some. She and her sister also made friends with a girl about their age who lives across the street from them.

I forgot to mention in the last posting that they live in a new neighborhood in a new state and are, of course, going to a new school. So many changes, in such a short amount of time.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Pure Misery

Are you a woman? Do you remember what puberty was like?

Now, set that aside for a moment and think about the first time you experienced the loss of someone you truly loved. The first death of a close family member or good friend. This first, sour taste of grief is just gut wrenching. And as we all know, it doesn't get better with the next experience. You just know that you will live through it.

Go back to the feelings of puberty. Do you remember how miserable you felt? How you would sometimes cry for no reason that you could think of? How you would get so sad? I remember listening to this song that had excerpts from live news coverage when President Kennedy was shot, when Robert Kennedy was shot and from Martin Luther King Junior's "I Have a Dream" speech and then coverage of when he was shot. I would listen to it over and over and over and cry and cry. I remember hating myself at times and everyone around me other times. Those hormones flying around in our bodies are nothing to take lightly! They are mean little things, I'm telling you!

Well, as it turns out, my poor granddaughter #1 is indeed mourning her mother's loss and trying to understand it while she is indeed entering puberty. Lord, help us all. If you are reading this and of the praying sort, please pray. For #1, for her father and for her siblings who will be within striking distance.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Wait for it......

As you know, my daughter-in-law passed away a little over 5 months ago. My grandchildren are dealing with this with various degrees of difficulty. Right now, my oldest granddaughter (she's 9) is having a very hard time with it. The kids and their dad came down here to see us and other family members this weekend. Tomorrow, I'm headed up to Oklahoma about the same time they do. I'm hoping that having me up there for a little while will help her some.

I'll be checking in and trying to keep up with all of my fun things -- like postcrossing and the gift of jewels. :) I don't know when I'll be able to show you what I've gotten through the mail though because I don't know how long I'll be up in OK. So, y'all will just have to be patient and wait for all the extra fun when I get back. OK?

By the way, "wait" was the Sunday Scribblings prompt word for this week.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Water and Sheets

The water is supposed to be "good" now. I'm trusting in that and have started to use it directly from the tap again to brush my teeth and wash my hands and even to give water to my dogs. I have open bottles of water that I purchased that I'll use up before I drink the water again myself. I do run it through a Brita filter jug regardless.

I also wanted to tell you that I recently splurged on 500 count 100% cotton sheets. Now, I am a !00% cotton sheet snob and I don't apologize for it, but I've never had any with a thread count that high before. My sister used to tell me that she had some that were 800 count! I've never even seen any that are 800 count! I don't know where she shopped, but it must have been a great find, wherever it was. Anyway, I washed up my new sheets and pulled them out of the dryer earlier today. I went to clean out the lent trap of the dryer to get it ready for the next load I'd be drying and the lent was even soft! I can't wait to lay my tired body down on those new sheets tonight! Hon--ney. I'll let you know if I sleep any better on them. (smiling big here)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I found another Heart Rock!

I couldn't believe it! I was coming home from the post office.

I've been thinking a lot about my sister Teresa the last week. The last couple of weeks. Heck, the last -- almost 5 months now, since she passed so suddenly. I had gone to the post office twice today. I hadn't been to the post office at all this week. I've been in a funk and I haven't left the house. What can I say? I'm not really depressed, but I would much rather watch movies or work on sudoku puzzles right now than just about anything else on earth. OK, I'll leave the puzzles and movies to see my momma, son, grandkids and my best friends and maybe some members of my extended family, but not just anyone.

So, I go to the post office to get the mail and with the main objective of mailing my nephew S's birthday card. It just happens to be S's birthday -- today! Which means the card is already late. "S" is Teresa's youngest son. And I have a heck of a time remembering his birthday during a good year. This is not a good year.

So, I get home from the post office and I go in the house, look in my purse and there is S's birthday card! Damn! So, I grab up some of the postcards I'd had made to show the post office clerk and I head back to the post office. When I get there, I mail S's birthday card before anything else. Then I chat with Debbie about's postcards and show her the one of my son and grandkids. Then I show her as many as I can, until another customer comes in. Debbie loves postcards! Then I head home.

As I get home, for the second time, after finally mailing S's birthday card -- I find another heart shaped rock. This time in the walkway to the house.

I didn't put all that together at the time. It wasn't until I was sitting here writing this that I did that. I did think that Teresa was the guide to it though, from the beginning.

Although, after my oldest granddaughter called tonight, I'm not so sure. It may have been her mother M. She died 12 days before Teresa. My oldest granddaughter is having a very hard time with her mother's death. It has only been 5 months, but she seems so much worse now than earlier. I'm very concerned about her. I told her about finding the rock and how it was possible that her momma's spirit had helped me find it for her. That I'm going to give it to her when I get to see her this weekend and I want her to hold it when she's thinking of her momma. Dear Lord, I hope it helps. I hope I can help her. If Teresa is the one who really helped me find it. I know she'll be OK with this. She was heartsick over these kids losing their mom. They are all younger than her kids. It's a crappy situation for all six of these kids from these two families. Period.

I want to Share

I told you a while back that I joined Postcrossing. Well, I've had two days that I've gone to the post office and had postcards in my mail box from other postcrossing folks! I want to share them with you as I get them. So, today, I'm playing a little bit of catch up, but not too much, because today I got four in the mail and I'd received two in the past. So, I'm only behind on two. Here are the first two:

From Ohio:

From France:

Now, here are the ones I got today.
From the Czech Republic:

From Great Brittan, a photo she took herself of Mozart's grave in Vienna! I do love the ones that are made of photos they took themselves.

This one is from California. It's also made from a photo taken by the sender. The plant is occitillo and the background is the coachella valley.

Last, but certainly not least, this postcard is from a part of Holland called Fryslan.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

When Creativity Strikes....

I was packing up a couple of things for my *Gift of Jewels* secret friend that I got from Se'lah and her blog Necessary Room this morning. I love to try to spread out the love into more than one package. I'll have to admit that I don't think I did very well at this last year, but I learned a lot from it. The person I got last year got several postcards from me, but in reality, I have no idea if she ever got them or not. So, in my wild, pessimistic mind, I fear that she never did. So, this year, I'm sending a little more. Nothing grand or extravagant, just a little more to let my secret friend know that I am truly thinking of her.

So, as I said I packaged up a couple of things and then I realized that the other "thing" I had wouldn't fit in the little padded envelopes I was using. And then I realized that the only other padded envelope I had was one that I had written an address on ages ago and that it had been too small for the book I had intended to send at the time. I had set it aside hoping that maybe I'd be able to use the same envelope to send something to the same person in the future. Well, that never happened and probably won't. So, I was setting in front of my computer, pondering what to do when I glanced over to an envelope I had gotten in the mail when my rocks arrived. It was all decorated (mail art!) and I loved it! Creativity struck me like a ---- like --- like -- like something that strikes! (I'm sorry, all I can think of are things like a cobra or a rattlesnake or lightning and I wanted it to be a good strike.) Anyway, I remembered that I had some handy matte gel medium, which I had never actually used, so I grabbed it.

Then I grabbed that envelope that had been laying around so long and a bag of fabric scraps and just went to town. I started in the center and covered the address. That was really all I had planned to do, but I found that I couldn't stop. Honestly, I'm surprised that I didn't continue on and cover the whole thing. Come to think of it, I just might!

What do you think? Should I continue on to the back too?