MY Texas Rangers won the A.L. West!

We're going to the play offs baby!  For the first time in 11 years, the Texas Rangers have won the American League western division and secured their spot in the play offs!  I am one happy gal in Texas. 

Clean

When I hear the word           "clean" nowadays I go into a kind of panic.  I can't say that I've ever been a great house keeper.  I don't enjoy house work.  (Which is rather sad since I've been a "house wife" for the majority of my marriage.)  Although I really do enjoy a clean house.  The activities of making a clean house are irritating to me -- nothing seems to stay clean for even a little while.  House cleaning is frustration in all capital letters to me and lots of exclamation points and jumping up and down while shaking my fists and screaming a primal scream!  It -- seems -- so-- pointless.  But if you don't do it, you end up with what I have now and baby -- that is not pretty -- or fun -- or relaxing.  I hate being embarrassed to have anyone over.  I know you think I'm exaggerating about this, but my cousin Mike told me that he would like to come visit me and I put him off.  I did.  I've put him off twice now.  I even told him why, but I'm sure he doesn't believe me.   

I kept a pretty clean house while my son was at home and while my dad was alive, but when dad died, I went into a depression.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted from caring for him, but I still don't think his death caused the depression.  I think it triggered it.  Rest alone didn't help.   I just stopped doing anything.  Period.  After a while, I knew I needed help.  And I asked for it.  I was put on medication and I am still on it -- 15 years later.  My doctor thinks I will always be on anti-depressants.  We'll see.  I'm hopeful that I will not have to be.  In fact, I have cut down on them in the last year or so and that is even with all that has gone on in my life in the last year. 

I want my home to be the kind of clean again that makes me think of new copper pennies.  I actually want it to be that kind of clean before Thanksgiving of this year.  I want to have all of my family here for Thanksgiving this year.  The last year they were all here was the last Thanksgiving that my dad was alive.  I don't know that anything will beat that special day for me, but I'd like to celebrate my son and grandchildren being here this year and living close to Texas.  I'd like to celebrate the lives of the women we lost this year.  I'd like to feel the love in my own home.  It's been so very long.

To be able to have what I want this year, I have to clean and I have to clean a lot.  I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I have a lot of reasons that I may not be able to accomplish this in the time frame I've set, or maybe they are excuses, but the thing is that I want this weight lifted off of me and I need it lifted off of me.  I need to start.

*These photos represent the cleaner parts of my home at the moment. 

Poetry can be a Comfort

This poem was sent to me by my sweet cousin Sundey.  A friend of hers had suffered a loss and put this poem on facebook.  She wanted to be sure I saw it because of my recent losses.  I think I'll make a copy to take to my granddaughters too.  Thank you Sundey.  I'm sorry for your friend's loss. 


Death is Nothing at All


by Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918) Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral sometimes referred to as 'What is Death?'



Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other,

that we still are.



Call me by my old familiar name.

Speak to me in the easy way

which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.



Laugh as we always laughed

at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word

that it always was.

Let it be spoken without affect,

without the trace of a shadow on it.



Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same that it ever was.

There is absolutely unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind

because I am out of sight?



I am waiting for you,

for an interval,

somewhere very near,

just around the corner.



All is well.

My *Gift of Jewels* package has Arrived!

First of all, I must thank Se'Lah over at Necessary Room for hosting this wonderful inter-national love exchange again this year.  I had so much fun shopping for my own gift of jewels to send off.  That experience alone was almost enough.  Almost.  I knew I had something on the way to me too, you see.  So, I waited patiently.  There was no telling where it was coming from with 70 of us from 12 different countries participating.  This exchange of friendship and love was a celebration of the Ethiopian New Year on September 11 and that was the day scheduled for us to mail out our *Gifts of Jewels*.  One reason I joined this exchange was to have something positive to focus on on that particular day.  A day that can be so very sad here in the United States of America for so many.

After last year's gift to me, I felt that I had to send out a better gift this year.  Tracey sent me a wonderful gift last year and she and I have become friends, which is the best gift of all!  I'm hoping this year will follow in the same vain.  I think I did improve on the gift that I sent out this year over last year, but I think I'm still going to have to up my game for next year! 







Today, I received mine in the mail!  Oh my what a wonderful, thoughtful, generous, loving gift it is!  Anyes of the blog Far Away in the Sunshine made a beautiful thank you card for me (can you believe it?  she thanked me for participating!   so sweet!) and sent me three absolutely amazing rocks with encouraging words carved (or etched?) into them.   Peace, Joy and Courage are on stones that are weighty and feel substantial in your hand.  You know they will last through years of holding and rubbing and praying for what they state on their front sides.  Peace is the one I'm most drawn to at this moment.  I will keep it nearest to me as I pray for peace tonight.  I will keep the others near because they are just beautiful and I know I will soon be praying for joy or courage and because I really do love them. 

Anyes also enclosed a pamphlet for Ten Thousand Villages (fair trade since 1946!).  I believe this is where she purchased the stones for me.  So, in my opinion she not only gifted me, but also the artisan that etched the stones.  I plan to go to the website and possibly purchase my holiday gifts there this year.  I don't buy many any longer and I really love it when they can do some good. 

Thank you so very much Anyes and Se'Lah.  You have both made my week!

Little Granddaughter Update

I talked to my momma earlier.  She was concerned about her great-granddaughter after reading my blog.  I thought I had updated to let you know the latest, but I apparently have not.  So, just to let you know, in case you are worried too -- she's doing OK for now.  I've talked to her several times over the last several days.  The last three calls have had no lies or tears.  Not even little white lies or sniffles.  She's sounded rather upbeat.  I am glad.  I need a rest.  I'm tired.  Emotionally tired and I think I have a sinus infection, so I'm not up to much at the moment.  I'll be headed up there to OK to see them all next  Thursday, more than likely.  Hopefully, things will remain calm until then. 

Postcrossing Love

I got two postcrossing postcards in the mail today! 

My very first from China.  Sometimes the English translations are not quite "proper", but I find them endearing and often more loving and perfect than what it should have been.  For instance, his salutation is "Warmly greetings from China."  I absolutely love that!  So much more than just "warm greetings".  To me it is just beautiful.  If it had not been for that small mistake in grammar, I would have thought this postcard came from a person living in China who's first language was indeed English because the rest was written so very perfectly!  The photo on the card is of the Taihao Mausoleum at Huaiyang. 


The next came from Ohio.  She sent a postcard of Niagara Falls.  This is my second Niagara Falls postcard and they are starting to make me want to go there.   

Paws for Charity Calendar -- Darling!

I find my way to blogs and don't even remember how I got there because I started at one blog and was linked to another and another and another through blog postings.  I find a lot of wonderful blogs that way.  I just never remember who to thank for getting me there.  Today's find is Paws for Charity and they have a wonderful calendar this year, their first (!) that will be benefiting The Avon Foundation Breast Cancer Crusade.  When I get my calendar, which I do plan to do, I'll be sure to post about it.  Right now, I better get off of this computer and head to the post office.  I haven't been all week and I just know that I have some fun stuff waiting for me. 

*In the middle of writing this, I did remember how I came to the calendar posting -- I found it through Alice in Paris loves Art and Tea.  This is a blog I read often and really enjoy. 

I was over at Ree's Place

Ree's blog is The Pioneer Woman and there are several parts to her blog.  Today I started with Home and Garden.  She was talking about her clothes in her closet.  I felt the need to leave a comment.  This is what I said:

"You would hate my closet Ree! I basically wear t-shirts. Almost all of my t-shirts have some kind of quilt related writing on them. If I’m going somewhere that I need to be somewhat dressy, I wear a t-shirt without writing on it. To me, that’s dressed up. Although I do know that even my normal dress up clothes aren’t dressy enough for funerals and jury duty. I have a few pairs of slacks and regular blouses for that kind of thing, but I can’t tell you what they look like to save my soul. Thankfully, it’s been a few months since I’ve been to a funeral or on a jury."

I kid you not, to me being dressed up is indeed wearing a t-shirt without words on it!  I like it that way.  I don't wear make up often either and when I do, it's only mascara and a little lip something or other.  I do not wear perfumes at all, ever.  Period.  End of story.  I stopped all of that when I moved out to the country because I found that the make up caked up and ended up in a pool under my eyes.  I'd go to the grocery store and post office, then come home and discover that I looked like a rabid raccoon!  The perfumes just attracted bees and wasps and I did not want to get stung.  I later found out that I was quite allergic to perfumes of all kinds.  They give me migraines.  So, the country life has simplified my life and my clothes and makeup budget.  Basically, there isn't one. 

One Day at a Time

It's entirely possibly that I'm paranoid.  Or maybe I just borrow trouble.  I read up on kids and bi-polar disorder last night.  Absolutely every "symptom" that my granddaughter is having could very easily be attributed to her grief or to puberty.  That is, all except for her recent lying, which is not listed as a symptom and could just be a way to get attention in all that has happened in her life.  The child has been through hell and is still on the journey back. 

You see it was the whopper of a lie she told me as she cried the other night on the phone that set all of my "bi-polar" bells and whistles off because it reminded me so much of her mother's actions and her mother was bi-polar.  I still have a lot to learn, it seems.  Anyway, my granddaughter has no idea what damage a lie of that magnitude could do.  In this day and age, it is absolutely frightening.  (I did try to explain it to her last night, but I'm sure she doesn't get it.  I'll try again when I see her in person.)

So, I will continue to pray. I will continue to talk on the phone and listen to her cry. I will visit often. I will try not to borrow trouble. I will trust in the therapist, when all falls into place and she gets one again. (It takes time to get appointments in the military, it can be very frustrating.) I will not compare her to her mother. That will be tough, especially if the lying continues.  I will not jump to conclusions and I will learn more about bi-polar disorder. 

* I do know that there are millions of people with bi-polar disorder who lead perfectly normal lives and function well in society.  This has not been what I have personally seen in my own family with this disorder and I am not speaking of your situation ever when I speak of it here.  I wish we had been that fortunate. 

I've Been Told....

That "the Lord will not give us more than we can handle".  This may be a simplified way of phrasing it, but that statement has helped me in times of duress.  Other times, I've tested the limits of it.  I was given almost more than I could bear when my father died and I then went into a deep depression.  I think his death triggered the depression, I don't think it was the reason for it.  I was in it for a long, long time.  My house has not been clean since. 

Now, I fear, that our family may have been given something that will sorely test that age old belief.  I fear that my dear, precious granddaughter -- the one I have been so very worried about during her grief over the loss of her mother and the same one who is entering puberty -- is also showing signs of bi-polar disorder.  Her mother was (or would the correct word be - had?) bi-polar and it was never treated correctly.  I feel that it ultimately led to her death.   If the reason for the most recent actions of my sweet granddaughter are indeed the first signs of bi-polar disorder, I don't know if I'll be able to handle this.  I really don't know that I will.