Sunday, October 19, 2008

Trying to get happy

I am a bit depressed, to say the least. I was laying in bed yesterday, mid-morning, basically with my head covered. I wasn't trying to sleep, but I didn't want to get up, when Juliette called. We talked for a while about Marianne. Then Juliette talked me into heading to the quilt shop. It was a beautiful, sunny day with blue skies. It didn't fit my mood at all. Not my idea of what the day should look like. It should have been storming with angry black clouds, lightning flashing and floods in low laying places. I felt a little like a vampire who knew she shouldn't be in the sunshine. It just made me more depressed to be out in it. I'm glad I put the miles between me and my home though. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was my first step in trying to get happy again. There were a lot of Marianne's friends at the quilt shop. We had naturally gathered at a place she loved, to talk about our memories of her. We cried, hugged, smiled and we laughed. Surprisingly, we laughed more than we cried. It helped to be together.

The worst part of being together though is that Marianne would have normally been in the middle of all of these women. I keep thinking, and I think I said out loud once, "She should be here.". That part really sucked. Marianne is the first friend I've ever lost. She was a fiber in the fabric of my life. I feel like I'm unraveling at this point, but I know, since I have lost a parent, that eventually a knot will form from the threads and I'll go on from there. I'll be forever changed by her loss, but I will go on.

I slept better last night. Today is another beautiful day, but I'm inside and it's not upsetting me. I'm even enjoying it a bit. I'm still not happy, but I'm working on it. I dug out more fabric and layered my little mini black cat quilt a little while ago. Marianne loved cats. She had three. It's fitting that I'll be finishing this quilt as I think of her. I have ideas for two more quilts running through my head now too. One is due to Marianne's death. A grief quilt. I've been wanting to make the other one for a while and I think the colors would be cheerful for me now.

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