Musings from my Tan Moleskin Journal notes

I was looking at other blogs earlier and came across a book title that I wanted to write down. So I grabbed my handy little moleskin journal, that I carry in my purse. This is where I keep such information. The journal itself is beginning to have a nice feel to it. Kind of roughed up from being jostled around in my purse for so long. It feels a little like a cross between an old paper bag and a little like it's alive. That may make no sense whatsoever to you, but it does to me and my odd warped imagination.

I started flipping through the pages to find a place to jot down the name of the book and the author, when I noticed lots of things in the journal that were completed. So, I scratched them off as I came to them, somehow thinking this would show me how much room I actually have left in this little book.

Then I came across notes I'd made while visiting my sister last September or October. Those were the last visits I had with her and they were good times with her. I was going through hell and she was so very supportive. We had some good laughs. She told me funny stories that I had intended to blog about and never got around to.


Like the time she was watching her husband's little brother David for the day and she was going crazy not knowing what to do with him. So, she ended up taking him to McDonald's 3 times in an 8 hour period! He's about the same age as my son and I thought back to the time when they were about 7 or 8 and just thought that was hilarious! Poor Teresa. That had to be a tough day.

Then she told me that she had this cat once, I want to say its name was Alley, that lived in their garage. If I remember correctly, they couldn't get that cat to come into the house. It was a neighborhood stray they adopted, I believe. Teresa once ran over Alley twice in one day while she was coming and going! Alley lived many more years, but I think that was a very painful day for both of them.




I had written down "for Teresa -- Thou Shall Not Be a Smart Ass!". I must have planned to make her an wall quilt with that on it. She would have loved that. And I had this quote written and attributed to her "Even though I'm taking my ADD medication, I'm here, there and everywhere!". A more true statement was never said. Teresa was always all over the place. I sure do miss her.

Last, but not least, I found this prayer that I had written down. As I said, I was going through a very painful period in my life. For a person, such as myself who has the unfortunate habit of eating her emotions, this prayer could be fitting for any bad day.

"Dear Lord, help my poor bruised soul find peace. There are only so many chips I can eat before I explode. Love, Me"

I found another Heart Rock!

I couldn't believe it! I was coming home from the post office.

I've been thinking a lot about my sister Teresa the last week. The last couple of weeks. Heck, the last -- almost 5 months now, since she passed so suddenly. I had gone to the post office twice today. I hadn't been to the post office at all this week. I've been in a funk and I haven't left the house. What can I say? I'm not really depressed, but I would much rather watch movies or work on sudoku puzzles right now than just about anything else on earth. OK, I'll leave the puzzles and movies to see my momma, son, grandkids and my best friends and maybe some members of my extended family, but not just anyone.

So, I go to the post office to get the mail and with the main objective of mailing my nephew S's birthday card. It just happens to be S's birthday -- today! Which means the card is already late. "S" is Teresa's youngest son. And I have a heck of a time remembering his birthday during a good year. This is not a good year.

So, I get home from the post office and I go in the house, look in my purse and there is S's birthday card! Damn! So, I grab up some of the postcards I'd had made to show the post office clerk and I head back to the post office. When I get there, I mail S's birthday card before anything else. Then I chat with Debbie about moo.com's postcards and show her the one of my son and grandkids. Then I show her as many as I can, until another customer comes in. Debbie loves postcards! Then I head home.

As I get home, for the second time, after finally mailing S's birthday card -- I find another heart shaped rock. This time in the walkway to the house.






I didn't put all that together at the time. It wasn't until I was sitting here writing this that I did that. I did think that Teresa was the guide to it though, from the beginning.

Although, after my oldest granddaughter called tonight, I'm not so sure. It may have been her mother M. She died 12 days before Teresa. My oldest granddaughter is having a very hard time with her mother's death. It has only been 5 months, but she seems so much worse now than earlier. I'm very concerned about her. I told her about finding the rock and how it was possible that her momma's spirit had helped me find it for her. That I'm going to give it to her when I get to see her this weekend and I want her to hold it when she's thinking of her momma. Dear Lord, I hope it helps. I hope I can help her. If Teresa is the one who really helped me find it. I know she'll be OK with this. She was heartsick over these kids losing their mom. They are all younger than her kids. It's a crappy situation for all six of these kids from these two families. Period.

Ohhh, I'm bad, bad

That's what my oldest granddaughter used to say when she was first learning to talk. She'd say something was "bad, bad" instead of just "bad". I love watching the -- dare I say it -- tweens -- my granddaughters are turning into, but I sure miss the little ones they used to be. I can do so much more with them now and talk to them about so many things, but I miss hearing the precious things that came out of their little mouths as they learned about their world. It's just not the same as they get older. My middle grandchild, #2 can still just knock me over with laughter with the things that fly out of her mouth and I do believe she will always be that way. So, in some ways I won't totally lose that wonder, I guess. And little JT is still quite young in many ways. Fun times at all ages.

Anyway, the reason that I am indeed "bad, bad" is that I'm probably going to keep a couple of the jewelry pieces of my sister's that I had originally intended to give to my sweet cousins. I just don't know that I'll be able to part with them. They are funky and fun. They'll make me think of Teresa and remind me of the things we had in common when so much of our lives were spent in conflict with each other. I try really hard not to think of the wasted years we spent angry with each other over stupid things that meant so little in the long run, but today, for some reason I seem to be dwelling on it. I'm extremely grateful that we made up and became very close to each other, years before she died. I don't think I'd be able to handle this at all if we had not. It's so very hard at times, even with that comforting knowledge.



I picked out the earrings, the ring and the silver colored bracelet for myself to begin with. The bracelet says "With God, All Things Are Possible" all around it. The saying is similar to Teresa's favorite bible verse. So, it will always make me think of her. I've had the ring and bracelet on almost nonstop since I picked them out. Teresa and I were both very interested in learning more about making funky jewelry and about natural stones. I love the charm bracelet that is made from an old men's watch band. What a cool idea! It's tight on me, but I am ever hopeful that I'll lose weight and be able to wear it. I love the red stone bracelet too, it's just not that easy to put on myself. Maybe I haven't learned the trick yet. The other one just wasn't comfortable at all on me.

I've emailed the first cousin to give her a choice in the other bracelet and a cup and saucer. Whatever she doesn't pick will be offered to one of her sisters along with a very shallow bowl. After she picks, I'll see if the last sister wants something and if she does, she gets what is left or I may offer it to Mike. I wish I had thought to get Mike something on his own. Maybe on my next trip down, if there is anything left.

Home and Updates

I had expected this visit south to be heart wrenching. It wasn't. Mostly is was a good visit with family -- my momma, my niece B, my nephews R and S and my brother-in-law Jay.

Mom and I did pick out some things of my sister's to bring home with us. Our main project, if you could call it that, turned out to be to make sure Teresa's kids picked out things they wanted to be sure to keep. Things that were in the areas that were going to be worked on next week. Things that Teresa had owned and used herself or had purchased to sell again in the shop she hoped to have one day. My sister had quite an eye for treasures in junk shops and yard sales. I really wish I had been lucky enough to go on treasure hunts with her. I never got to really. I mean we did go to a Habitat for Humanity shop a couple of times and I bought a lot of great things there. I'm sure she did too, but I never got to go to yard sales with her and I think that's where she may have really shined.

We were there a couple of days. We talked, we laughed -- a lot, we ate some. It was good. I hope I don't have to wait so long to see them again. It is really good to be home though. I have lots of cleaning plans for my own home. Hopefully they will work out.

Kindness

I'll admit it, I'm a little lost right now. I want to be super happy and blogging every day about happy things. I want to have fabulous photos on every post too, but the fact of the matter is that I'm nursing a injured arm (I fell on my 3rd day back home and hurt it), my house is filthy (which zaps my energy and I can't even clean it because of the arm!), I have not mourned my sister's death (and now that I've put her loss in that little locked "box" in my heart -- how do I get it out so that I can grieve properly? -- maybe I need to go back to therapy) and I'm still tired from all I've been through over the last three months. Heck, I'm tired from all I've been through over the last 10 months. Maybe even longer. It doesn't seem like I've had the time to deal with any of it properly. I've tried to deal with each thing as it came up, but something else came up before I could finish and the first thing would get shoved into the "box" and never brought back out. This is a defence mechanism I learned as a very young child when I was being molested by an uncle by marriage. I'm very good at blocking things. Very good at it. Such is life. Sometimes it just flat sucks.

Life is hard, but it is worth the work it takes to be happy. I should tell you right now, and in no uncertain terms, that I am not unhappy. The arm is getting me a little down because I had lots of plans for when I got home and I am disappointed to have to postpone them. I wanted to super clean my home. I wanted to start and finish several quilts. I had lots of plans! Unfortunately, I can't do them right now. So, on to plan B.

What is plan B? Do I even have a plan B? Well, I didn't until tonight although it started forming a couple of days ago when I read a posting on the blog Necessary Room. Se'lah wants to "build a bridge of love" to celebrate the Dalai Lama's 75th birthday by doing random acts of kindness on Tuesday July 6th, which just happens to be the birthday of which we are speaking. Read her posting here and then look over her blog. Se'lah is a lovely woman and full of warmth. I'll be joining her for her random acts of kindness idea on Tuesday. I love random acts of kindness! They make me feel good. I can only hope they make the folks that I act upon feel as good.

photo taken from picapp. Here is the photo description.
WASHINGTON - FEBRUARY 19: The Dalai Lama participates in a ceremony after recieving the Democracy Service Medal at the Library of Congress on Febru,ary 19, 2010 in Washington, DC. The medal was created by the National Endowment for Democracy and has been presented to a wide range of individuals who have demonstrated through personal commitment, their dedication to the advancement of freedom and human rights. (Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images)
Content © 2010 Getty Images All rights reserved.

Then earlier tonight I came across a post in the Bayou Quilts blog when I was catching up on blogs I missed reading while in CA. Her blog posting is titled A Kindness Revolution and is about giving 29 gifts in 29 days. Here is an article about it also. The article and blog posting are about Cami Walker, who at age 33 was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. She was prescribed the 29 gifts in 29 days by an African medicine woman named Mbali Creazzo to help her through some of her more difficult symptoms. Cami has written a book about her experience -- 29 Gifts looks to be worth the read and I am definitely going to order it after I finish this post.

I went to the book link on Amazon and read all it would let me read about the book. All I can say after doing so is that I am in! I'll do it. I look forward to the challenge of 29 straight days of gifts to others. I won't start this until after Tuesday. I'll blog about it again the day before I start and I'd love for you to join me! I also plan to blog about each gift each day and any benefits I get from the gift I give. Now, I'm going to go check out the 29 gifts website. We'll visit again soon. Take care.

Something I didn't know about Teresa

I didn't know my sister Teresa's favorite bible verse until after her death. It was Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I got this version of the verse out of my son's King James bible. The version of the verse that I'd heard before was "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." A little different, but the same meaning. It will always be very special to me. Actually, I think the second version that I've listed may have been Teresa's favorite wording.

Unfortunately, in our grief, none of us thought to include this bible verse in Teresa's funeral.

Rough Day

Despite the fact that I've talked to my dear Aunt Joan and my dear friend Beth, today has been a rough day for me and it's only about 3:30 PM. I feel crummy. My foot hurts like a son of a gun and I miss my sister. I laid down for a bit and tried to take a nap after I took little JT to school. I think I dropped off for a couple of minutes, because I started and thought -- I want my sister back -- I want my sister back -- I want my sister back!!!! I've been on the verge of tears ever since.

I miss Teresa so very much. I don't know what to do without her at this point.

Cousin Mike

My cousin Mike is someone I admire very much. He paid for his own education. Working until he had enough money to go to school for a while and then going back to work when he ran out. He did this until he got his degree. He is now a school teacher. A profession that I admire, but have never wanted to attempt. It's hard work for not nearly enough pay. There are incredible benefits though -- it touches the lives of so very many children each and every year. I know that Mike is one of those teachers that his students will never forget because he's that kind of person. He's special.

He came to see me after the death of my sister, his cousin. During our visit, he said something that I thought was quote worthy -- "Common sense is not all that common.". I thought I'd just share that with you today.

More Sweet Memories

Teresa and I grew up in a time when there were no VCRs, DVDs, cable TV or satellite channels to watch. If you wanted to see a movie, you saw it at the theater or on TV with all the commercials. The 4 or so TV stations we had in Dallas back then, even went off the air at some point during the night, right after playing the National Anthem while showing the flag gently waving in the wind. The Wizard of Oz was one of our favorite movies and it came on one time a year. It was a BIG EVENT to us. It always came on after The Wonderful World of Disney on Sunday night. I can just see Teresa and I, freshly bathed and on the floor in front of the TV just waiting for it to come on. The flying monkeys scared the bejebers out of me! I found out a couple of nights ago that Teresa used to sing Over the Rainbow to her daughter B to get her to sleep at night.

My birthday is January 7th and Teresa's was June 16th. After our parents divorce, our father could never remember what day each of us was born on. He remembered each of our months but he'd mix up our dates. He'd call me on the 6th or the 17th and I'm sure he did the same kind of thing to Teresa. We talked about it recently. She always thought that was endearing. I was the one who was initially irritated by it, and then later, I found a way to also just roll with it.

Maybe it was because our birthdays were always a little bit of a sore subject for me. It was never Teresa's fault. When we were young, our relatives always seemed to give Teresa a birthday gift for my birthday when they saw us at Christmas time. Of course at her birthday, only she got a gift. It brought out my little green eyed monster. Then, one year, she got to choose whether or not she wanted a birthday cake or a watermelon for a "cake"! She picked a watermelon and I was forever jealous of her summer birthday. Even now, I'd like nothing better than to celebrate my birthday with a Texas Rangers baseball game and watermelon. Ah, that would be great! Hard to do in January.

Our parents divorced when I was 10 and Teresa was 8 years old. Momma went to work. We stayed with various neighbors for a few years and eventually were old enough not to need a babysitter. Times were safer then too, so we were still fairly young when we were left alone, but it was OK because we knew we always had good neighbors nearby to go to in an emergency. We had an emergency one summer day. I think we were watching TV and one of us looked down at the living room floor and there was a red, yellow and black striped snake on the floor! Now there are 2 snakes in TX with those colors. One is a king snake, which is nonpoisonous and the other is a coral snake with is one of the more deadly snakes in the state. We managed to climb on furniture to get to a phone book to open and throw on top of the snake. I stayed there watching the phone book to make sure the snake did not get out from under it and Teresa ran across the street to get Mr. Burns to come help us. He worked for the parks dept. of the City of Dallas and came home to eat lunch every day with his wife. He came right over and got the snake out of the house and chopped it's head off with a hoe. By the time I got my courage together to go out and see what kind of snake it was, all of the parts has slithered off. I think it was a coral snake though. I remember the colors being bright and the king snakes that I've seen photos of aren't bright.

Well, those are all of the stories I can think of today. I can't promise you I won't think of more. Teresa's funeral was nice, but difficult. These stories are helping me. Thank you for "listening". Tomorrow morning, I head back to California to help my son and grandchildren with their grief and home life. Right now, I'm going to rest and pack in the morning. Love to all.

Eulogy for Teresa

I am two and a half years older than my sister Teresa. My middle name is Lee. And of course when I got in trouble, I was called by my full name -- Sharon Lee Davis!!! Well, My sister's middle name was Jeanette, but for some reason she would be called Teresa Jeanette Lee Davis!!! Then she grew up to marry a man who's last name is Lee. So, her name became Teresa Jeanette Davis Lee. I've always thought that was ironic and a little funny. Here are a few memories I have of my sister. It's actually pretty long, but I hope you will indulge me.

The very first memory I have of my sister and I together is of us as very tiny children, crossing the street we lived on near White Rock Lake to go into the "forest" to pick black berries. The "forest" was only a few trees according to momma, but I'm sure it was quite an adventure at our tender ages and for all I know, momma may very well have been with us, but that is not how I remember it. That would not have been as adventurous.

My next memory of Teresa is holding her little three year old hand! I tell you, I loved that sweet little hand. It is one of my all time most precious childhood memories. One of my favorite memories period.

I can't remember exactly how old we were when daddy decided that we needed to have a ranch full of animals. Now this would not have been so unusual if we lived in the country, but we lived flat dab in the middle of Dallas, TX and I can tell you that there were not many people who had livestock of any kind in Dallas in the mid 1960's. Our next door neighbor's, the Neal's had chickens, but they were literally the only people I knew who had any kind of livestock. That is until daddy started bringing home chickens, ducks, geese, turkeys and a goat. None of these lasted all that long. Most of them died by smothering in their food or getting eaten by the dogs or something like that. The remaining turkey was getting pretty big though and looked like he'd live to be ripe old age. Right up until he made his fatal mistake. He scratched Teresa one day and it was a pretty big, bad scratch too. She was crying and making a fuss and daddy asked her if she wanted him to kill that mean old turkey. She didn't even hesitate before she said yes. Well, to be honest, I didn't blame her one bit. We both stood at the back screen door as daddy strung that turkey up and chopped his head off. I didn't even have time to think it was gross before I realized that Teresa was laughing her little head off in this really evil, wicked little laugh. I think she scared me a little that day, but I forgot about that as soon as I got to eating on that turkey. It happened fairly close to Thanksgiving too so we thought it was really great that we got to have turkey twice so close together.

We grew up in a time when kids felt safe to wonder around their neighborhoods. We'd walk up to the shopping center together. We played in our yards in the summer with the neighborhood kids until after dark, playing hide and go seek, tag and catching fireflies. I remember we used to lay on the grass and pick out shapes in the clouds and sometimes get lucky enough to find a horny toad. We played pretend games a lot. In our games I got to marry David Cassidy and she had to marry Bobby Sherman. I was the oldest, so I got to pick. We would play Monopoly and card games and we had a lot of fun doing those kinds of things. We played our 45's on the record player and danced and sang to them. We had some good times.

Teresa and I also used to fight like cats and dogs. We never really did this when momma was home, I don't think, but momma had to work so eventually we always did fight at some point. Teresa always had these beautiful, long, graceful fingers and these amazing finger nails that were really strong. I mean she was 8 years old with these hands and nails, it was just weird!  The worse thing about it though is that she knew how to use them in our fights and use them she did! She would claw plugs out of my arms. At which point, I'd really get mad and try to choke her or start banging her head into the floor, all the while telling her she better not call momma when I let her up either. And that little stinker always did. Fortunately, she was the only one to ever draw blood. I never really hurt her. She really should have been a hand model when she grew up, her hands were that pretty.

There came a time when we didn't get along as well as we had before. She became this neat freak and we drifted even more apart. Surprisingly, not because she was so neat and I was a slob, but because we were just so different from each other and we didn't see our similarities. I got married at 18 and she was still in school. I had my son when I was 20 and she had just graduated high school. We weren't communicating well at all. Years went by with us never really hitting the mark in that area, but we kept trying. We wanted to be close. We wanted to be friends, but it never failed that one of us would say something that the other misinterpreted and we wouldn't speak for months. It was extremely difficult on both of us, our mother, our husbands and our children.

During this time, Teresa had married and started her family. B came along first, thankfully at a time when we were actually getting alone pretty well. I got to baby sit B for a while and Jay and Teresa would take our son on outings. Teresa loved being a mother and aunt. It wasn't long before she and her little family moved out of state and our closeness became strained again by distance and the constraints of time.

I don't know which came next, that she became pregnant with R or that she found out that she had scoliosis. I do know that she put off the surgery to repair her back because she wanted to have a child and that child was R and that she put off the surgery again to have another child -- S. This was her choice because she wanted these boys so very much. She was in extreme back pain, but it was worth it to her because she was lucky enough to be a mom to three beautiful children. Her children were her greatest joy. Of this, I am absolutely sure.

By the time she finally had the surgery, her ribcage was very twisted, almost totally toward the back of her body. She had lost height. She was in severe pain and getting the point of real danger of her ribs possibly damaging her organs. It was a pain that I truly still can not imagine. My sister was so very strong and courageous. She was an amazing woman to be able to handle the medical problems she had. The surgery was so very involved and difficult by then that she ended up in a medical journal. All of this was done during the time that our father was terminally ill. I was able to come help her for a few days after the surgery, but I had to get back to help our dad. During his illness, I was his main caregiver. I just couldn't be there for Teresa like I wanted to. I was torn by it all and bitter that I was being torn.

Our relationship was probably the worst when we needed each other the most -- when our father was dying and Teresa was recovering from her surgery. Neither of us had had an easy relationship with daddy either, so that complicated things. I couldn't seem to tell her that I just needed to talk to her. To hear her voice. To be able to vent. I could never say that I wasn't asking her for anything more than that. I would contact her with that being the full intention of what I was going to say and somewhere, somehow, it always went wrong. It was just a horrible time. Daddy died on December 1st of 1995.

Teresa and her family came up to the house after daddy passed. It was good to see them, but I don't remember how we felt about each other then. I know the rough patches were not over yet -- not emotionally between us or physically for her. Right around New Year's, Teresa had to have emergency surgery to have the rod removed from her back that was put in during the scoliosis surgery. She'd developed a life threatening staff infection. Her spine had not fused at all. It would twist again and cause all the pain that she'd had before and the worse news was that the surgeon said he would not redo the surgery.

I can't remember when Teresa and I became close again. It wasn't instantaneous, but we found it in our hearts to forgive each other for all the hurtful things that were said and imagined between us. We became as close as we had each hoped and wanted to be all of our lives. We finally had our sister friendship and we really enjoyed each other. I will be forever grateful for that.

Teresa also got to have her scoliosis surgery when she moved to Colorado a few years ago. It was very successful. Even more successful than the doctor had thought it would be. She lived the rest of her life relatively pain free and happy. My neat freak sister became one of those talented women who could drive down an alley and find someone's castoffs and see the treasure that it really was. Sometimes she'd fix them up and sell them. Other times she'd keep them. She had a knack. She was beautiful. She was strong. She was someone I wanted to be like in so very many ways. I'm going to miss her more than I can say.

In Memoriam

My beautiful sister died suddenly yesterday. Teresa Lee was a strong woman. She'd had scoliosis and three surgeries late in life for and because of it. Three beautiful children and a good marriage to Jay. Teresa and I had not always had a good relationship, but thankfully, a several years ago we grew very close. We finally had the loving sister friendship we had each always wanted. She was courageous. She was a fighter. She stood up for her beliefs and she told you what she thought. She loved hard. She was a truly good person. I'm going to miss her more than I can put into words.

Happy Birthday B.A.L.!

My niece B turned 21 today. Here is a photo of her and her mother, my sister, Teresa at a concert. Sorry, B and Teresa, I can't remember the name of the group. They will be shocked, of course, but the photo is what I wanted to show. My lovely sister and niece. I hope you're having a great birthday, B! I love you.

*I've been informed by B that the group they saw was Nickleback.