Harvest Moon

Another great thing about October is the harvest moon!  So huge and yellow looking!  So beautiful and bright.  So romantic.  When I'm outside during the full moon in October, I just can't take my eyes off of it.  I can see the "man in the moon" that I used to hear about in story books as a child.  I can imagine why people thought it was made of cheese, but then I wonder, was that story books too or did they really think that?  I think of what a blessing it was and is to farmers bringing in the last of their harvests by it.  What a God send it is. 

At some point in the night though, I always end up needing to go to sleep.  I live in the country.  In a rural area where it is so wonderfully quiet and dark -- except when there is a full moon.  The harvest moon in October is the absolute worst for trying to sleep!  I have shades on my windows and that sucker finds a little crack to sneak through and lights up the room as if it's spot lighted!  You can't get away from it.  No matter what side you sleep on -- there it is.  I finally had to get a sleep mask.  That works well enough.  Peace and harmony have been brought back into my sleeping life during the full moons.  I can once again love all things about the lovely harvest moon in October and just enjoy it's immense full beauty. 

Listing the Essential

Today the prompt word at Sunday Scribblings is "essential".  I decided that the best way to deal with it would be to list what is essential to me today.  Here is the list in no particular order:

• To watch the Texas Rangers and the Tampa Bay Rays play their 4th playoff game and hopefully see the Rangers win at home and go to the next level.
• To take a long hot shower and wash my hair
• To dry the load of clothes in the washer and wash a load of towels and one load of hubby's clothes.
• To eat at least two ice cream sandwiches
• To curl up and read
• To realize that if the only things I actually get done are the baseball game, eating the ice cream sandwiches and the reading, then that was all that was really essential today after all. 

The First Cool Weather of Fall

I went out this evening to start a load of wash and I felt it.  The first cool temperatures of fall!  I love that first time when I feel the first cooler weather after summer.  Especially after a summer like we've had.  A long summer with the temperatures being higher than normal for longer than normal.  It is such a relief.  Such a blessing.  I can't wait to open doors wide and open windows and air out the house.  I can't wait to see the leaves falling from the trees.  I can't wait to see the beautiful blue that the sky turns this time of year.  I love spring for the wild flowers and new life it brings each year, but I love fall as much, if not more.  I love the color of my Japanese persimmons as they ripen.  I love the few leaves that change color around here -- even the poison ivy which turns a lovely red!  I love that this year I'll be able to see my grandchildren in their Halloween costumes.  I love that so many birthdays are coming up.  Birthdays of people who are near and dear to me.  I love the Thanksgiving holiday, even more than Christmas.  I love that even though I myself may be in the autumn of my life, I am ever more mindful of all I have to be thankful for.

Clean

When I hear the word           "clean" nowadays I go into a kind of panic.  I can't say that I've ever been a great house keeper.  I don't enjoy house work.  (Which is rather sad since I've been a "house wife" for the majority of my marriage.)  Although I really do enjoy a clean house.  The activities of making a clean house are irritating to me -- nothing seems to stay clean for even a little while.  House cleaning is frustration in all capital letters to me and lots of exclamation points and jumping up and down while shaking my fists and screaming a primal scream!  It -- seems -- so-- pointless.  But if you don't do it, you end up with what I have now and baby -- that is not pretty -- or fun -- or relaxing.  I hate being embarrassed to have anyone over.  I know you think I'm exaggerating about this, but my cousin Mike told me that he would like to come visit me and I put him off.  I did.  I've put him off twice now.  I even told him why, but I'm sure he doesn't believe me.   

I kept a pretty clean house while my son was at home and while my dad was alive, but when dad died, I went into a depression.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted from caring for him, but I still don't think his death caused the depression.  I think it triggered it.  Rest alone didn't help.   I just stopped doing anything.  Period.  After a while, I knew I needed help.  And I asked for it.  I was put on medication and I am still on it -- 15 years later.  My doctor thinks I will always be on anti-depressants.  We'll see.  I'm hopeful that I will not have to be.  In fact, I have cut down on them in the last year or so and that is even with all that has gone on in my life in the last year. 

I want my home to be the kind of clean again that makes me think of new copper pennies.  I actually want it to be that kind of clean before Thanksgiving of this year.  I want to have all of my family here for Thanksgiving this year.  The last year they were all here was the last Thanksgiving that my dad was alive.  I don't know that anything will beat that special day for me, but I'd like to celebrate my son and grandchildren being here this year and living close to Texas.  I'd like to celebrate the lives of the women we lost this year.  I'd like to feel the love in my own home.  It's been so very long.

To be able to have what I want this year, I have to clean and I have to clean a lot.  I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I have a lot of reasons that I may not be able to accomplish this in the time frame I've set, or maybe they are excuses, but the thing is that I want this weight lifted off of me and I need it lifted off of me.  I need to start.

*These photos represent the cleaner parts of my home at the moment. 

I Am Enough

Over the last several years, I've heard many times that we teach people how to treat us.  I don't think I totally believe this.  Yes, if I accept crappy treatment from someone and they treat me crappy again, I guess you could say that I've taught them that treating me crappy is fine with me.  I know that eventually, I will get tired of being treated crappy though and I will change things.  I will either stand up for myself and tell them that I will no longer accept their crappy treatment of me or I will take myself out of that situation. 

The problem I have with the statement that we "teach people how to treat us" is no child teaches someone to take advantage of them or abuse them, yet so many of us have this happen to us as children.  Maybe this abusive treatment is supposedly what teaches us to accept the crappy treatment of others.  I don't know.  I'll need a lot more therapy before I have it all figured out and I don't know that I have that much money, time or even interest in knowing at this point in my life. 

One thing I know for sure is that I did not teach my long time friend to betray me.  I was a faithful, true friend to her, so her treatment of me was a total shock.  It's been just over a year since I found out about her betrayal and for some reason, the wound to my heart is sore this week.  I've been thinking about it a lot.  I've learned many things from this.  I've learned that I will not accept this treatment of me again, by anyone.  I'm a little less likely to trust as completely as I did before, although it hasn't affected the trust and love I have for my two best friends, my closest friends.  And the most important thing I've learned from this treatment is that I Am Enough.  If I'm not enough for you.  That's fine.  We can smile and part company and treat each other with kindness.  I - AM - ENOUGH!  And don't you ever forget it.  I sure as hell won't.

*Did you notice the heart shaped cloud in the photo?  I heard a noise on my deck, went outside and could find nothing but the cloud.  Maybe an angel making sure I didn't miss it?

Wait for it......

As you know, my daughter-in-law passed away a little over 5 months ago. My grandchildren are dealing with this with various degrees of difficulty. Right now, my oldest granddaughter (she's 9) is having a very hard time with it. The kids and their dad came down here to see us and other family members this weekend. Tomorrow, I'm headed up to Oklahoma about the same time they do. I'm hoping that having me up there for a little while will help her some.

I'll be checking in and trying to keep up with all of my fun things -- like postcrossing and the gift of jewels. :) I don't know when I'll be able to show you what I've gotten through the mail though because I don't know how long I'll be up in OK. So, y'all will just have to be patient and wait for all the extra fun when I get back. OK?

By the way, "wait" was the Sunday Scribblings prompt word for this week.

I Really Like to Post

I really like to post on my blog. I mean I really like to do this. I feel like I'm talking to a group of friends, even if I have no idea if anyone is actually reading any of it. My goal is to post every day. I do miss days of posting -- sometimes, many days in a row. Then I'll come back and post three times on one day. I'll get lots of ideas and I don't want to end up with them flying out of my little old head. You'd think I'd keep a book for post ideas. I've thought of that, but there never seems to be one handy when I think of an idea, although I have at least half a dozen blank books around here somewhere. And if you have a peri-menopausal mind like mine, you know that I can hold a thought about like a colander holds water. You young ladies will understand this one day. Don't worry. Your time is coming. Anyway, that forgetfulness is my life at this point.

So, when I was visiting Tracey's blog Quietly Kickin and Screamin yesterday and she mentioned the blog Sunday Scribblings as a place to go for ideas and inspiration for blog postings, I headed on over. They post their new idea on Sundays (just like their name says) and since I looked in for the first time on Friday, I decided to just take a look around and grab an idea that suited me. This is what I'll try to do whenever I want to write and I have no idea of my own in the future. This idea comes from June 12, 2010 -- Superhero(ine).

I have a couple of real life Superheroines and a Superhero. The first is my Momma.

She went to work in the early 60's when most women were still stay-at-home moms. At least most of the moms I knew were. Then when I was 8, our dad went to work overseas and she basically became a single parent. When he returned, they divorced, and she became a real single parent. She raised my sister and myself with patience and grace. She made sure we had the things we truly needed and enough of the things we wanted to feel special and for life to feel magical at times. But she also made sure we didn't get everything we wanted. I think that is a gift, in and of, itself. Momma didn't drive back then, so it wasn't easy for her to get things done for us, but she did. She always found a way. Even if it meant riding three different buses in each direction to do it. She is the most patient person I know and she has the ability to stay out of arguments that my sister and I would have. That ability irritated me during the arguments (because I wanted her to side with me!) and I admire it greatly now. Momma and I have always had a good relationship. I'm grateful for that. She is my biggest Superheroine!

My other Superheroine is my friend Catherine. She is without a doubt the most honest person I have ever known. She will not give her opinion unless she is asked for it, but baby if you ask for it, you better put your big girl panties on and be ready the real, honest answer because that is what you are going to get. She never answers in a rude or cruel way, but she does answer truthfully and completely. I love that about her. Lots of folks can't handle it. Like some of the people she has worked with over the years. She doesn't play office politics. She's honest. There are many, many other things I love about Catherine. Things that I admire, but her honesty is the thing that makes her one of my Superheroines.

My Superhero is my son.

He got married very young. Right out of high school. A couple of weeks after graduation I think. He went into the Air Force just a couple of weeks after the wedding as a way to continue his education and to provide for his young bride and himself. He became a father after about a year and a half of marriage. Before long, two more kiddos came along. He reenlisted in the military, knowing it was the best option for his family. He plans to make it a career at this point. He is a good provider for his family. He is a recent widower and he is making sure his kids are OK. He is taking care of things. He knows he can call on us, but he wants to do it himself. He is a good man. A kind man. A good father. I cannot begin to tell you how proud of him that I am without dissolving into tears. My son is my pride and joy and it's because he's done it all himself. I'm happy to help him in any way I can. I want to help him. I hope that I can take some of the pressures off of his back at times. I wish for him joy and happiness, peace and love. He is my Superhero.